


Copy of Report on Surprise Inspection of Case #14568

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Post-Sirius in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:50:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Copy of a report filed at Office for Werewolf Support Services, Being Division, Ministry of Magic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Copy of Report on Surprise Inspection of Case #14568

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Copy of Report on Surprise Inspection of Case #14568 As submitted by Charles J. Mountfitch Office for Werewolf Support Services, Being Division, Ministry of Magic

Despite the fact that I have over 90 years experience in working with Werewolves, 35 as a caseworker here in the Office for Werewolf Support Services, all without major incident I might add, the young lady you dumped on me to train felt I wasn't doing my job properly. If you're trying to drive me into an early retirement by forcing me to work with a rude little twit whose only talents seem to be nitpicking and the ability to quote regulations, don't bother. After 90 years of dealing with Werewolves and their families, an over-starched bigoted brat barely rates as a minor annoyance.

Anyhow, Miss Felsted was appalled to discover that I hadn't made a surprise inspection of Case # 14568, or ,as sane people call him, Remus J. Lupin for several years. Obviously I was being negligent, after all there were 2 incidents on Remus' case file, both several years old.

Now, as you know, I do make surprise inspections to some of my clients. It is sometimes a necessity, especially when they and their families are just learning how to deal with their condition. I had, in fact, made several surprise inspections or Mr. Lupin's home and of his arrangements for dealing with the full moon over the years. However, when you take into account that he has been a werewolf since he was 4 years old, faithfully takes the Wolfsbane potion, is a wizard with the skill to set up protective wards around him home and has a lover that is also a wizard as well as an Animagus of sufficient size and strength control him in wolf form, surprise inspections are rather a waste of time.

Still, I had nothing pressing on the schedule, so I said we would go right this very minute and pay a surprise inspection on Mr. Lupin. The fact that I hadn't had a good laugh in weeks had nothing to do with it. I wasn't really expecting anything too exciting, Remus politely taking her down a notch or two would have been lovely. I should really have known better. Nothing either he or his significant other do could ever be less then exciting.

We arrived at the house at a quarter after ten, to find the doors locked and no one about. Miss Felsted expressed her disappointment, thinking they must have gone out for the day. I knew better and pounded on the door and rang the bell until Remus finally dragged himself downstairs to stop us from making so much noise. Miss Felsted seemed rather put out with Remus' confusion at our presence and his attempt to keep us on the stoop while he peeked out around the side of the door. She insisted that he let us into the house which he finally did. The sitting room was a little untidier that is normal but I think the thing that Remus had been trying to keep from her was that fact that all he was wearing was a button-down shirt (with half the buttons off) and a blue sock on his left foot.

However, once we were in, he was very polite. He invited us to sit down; first removing the black silk thong style panties, the motorcycle helmet and the the leather chaps from the sofa; and asked hopefully if we would like some tea. I personally think he was hoping to put the water on to boil and run upstairs for a pair of pants but Miss Felsted refused for the both of us, so Remus perched on one of the chairs and tried to pull the shirt down over as much of his legs as could be managed.

With the same pig-headed determination that won and lost the empire, Miss Felsted began going through the items on the questionnaire. I think she hoped she would gain back a little of her dignity if she maintained her professionalism, besides it gave her something to look at besides the spectacular love-bite on Remus' inner thigh.

Remus answered the questions as best he could (see attached document) although I would have to say his answers were a little vague at times. He was especially confused by question # 7a 'When did the number of occupants of the residence change?' However, after we managed to convince him that it was indeed Tuesday, he was able to answer the question to everyone's satisfaction.

Apparently young Mr. Potter had moved out over the weekend and Remus and Mr. Black were feeling a little lonely without him. It seems that their standard cure for this involves prolonged bed rest, leaving the bedroom only for tea, sandwiches and chocolate ice cream. Remus seemed surprised to discover that two days had passed, actually, to be honest, he seemed very impressed that two days had passed. It seemingly broke their previous record.

Miss Felsted made the innocent mistake of asking Mr. Lupin as to why Harry moved out of the house. To her extreme annoyance, he was still giggling uncontrollably a good 5 minutes later when Sirius Black made his appearance.

I do think that Miss Felsted attitude towards Mr. Black is very unfair. Sirius had no way of knowing that there was anyone in the house except for Remus, who is, after all, his partner. I really cannot see how his coming downstairs completely naked could be construed as anything personal to her. In fact, I don't believe he even noticed we were there until his attention was called to it by Remus.

What happened was that when Remus calmed down enough to notice the look on Miss Felsted's face, he immediately deduced the Sirius was that cause of her consternation. He turned around and knelt in the seat of his chair (note to self, find out if markings on right buttock 'Property of Sirius Black' were permanent tattoo or merely drawn on with ink) and called out to gain Mr. Black's attention.. There followed a short conversation between the two men, the topic of which concerned the shirt that Mr. Lupin was wearing. It was ascertained that the garment belonged to Mr. Black who was curious as to what happened to the buttons. After Remus assured the other man that he did not know and this was the condition he found the shirt in before he put it on. This was when Miss Felsted began hyperventilating. Fortunately, the noise was sufficient to remind Remus of our presence and he informed Mr. Black that they had company.

While I opened my briefcase and found a small brown paper sack for Miss Felsted, Mr. Black attempted to make himself fit for mixed company. Lacking anything better, he wrapped the tablecloth from a small table near the stairs about his waist sarong fashion. This might have worked better if the tablecloth had not been lace. I do think that Miss Felsted ought to have taken this a sign of good faith towards Mr. Black's attempt to make her more comfortable. There was no need to cower back when he offered her his hand to shake. Thankfully, Sirius was not put out by this unseemly display and greeted me cordially and perched on the arm of Mr. Lupin's chair.

The three of us finished the questionnaire without any further aide from Miss Felsted. Both Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black did continue to try and make her feel more at ease but she merely hid behind me and her briefcase and twitched every time one of them moved. Still, we managed to finish quickly and I put away the forms and we all stood up to say good bye.

To everyone's embarrassment, when Miss Felsted stood up she knocked one of the pillows off the sofa revealing a cache of 'marital aides.' Miss Felsted screamed loudly and Apparated right out of the house. I was, of course, appalled at such an uncouth and unprofessional display and apologized to Messrs. Lupin and Black. They both reassured me that they were not put off by such discourteousness, and expressed their regrets that they had not tidied up the place before our visit.

I left them amiably discussing whether it would be better to go back up to bed or, since it looked to be such a nice day, if the hammock in the backyard might not be the better choice, and Apparated back to the office.

I had every intention of scolding Miss Felsted about her behavior. After all, the surprise inspection was her idea. However, I could not find her when I arrived back at the office. She was finally located in the last stall of the ladies lavatory but she refused to come out and became hysterical whenever anyone approached her.

We finally had to call St. Mungo's. They sent over two very competent chaps who managed to sedate her and cart her off, not without some damage to the lavatory. (See attached estimate for repairs from the janitorial staff) I have been informed by the doctor assigned to Miss Felsted, that she will not be able to resume her duties for several months, if at all. It seems she has developed a nervous tic and will require complete rest. He thinks she will more then likely forget her intention to become a nun after a few months of therapy.

I must say that, if Miss Felsted is any example, I am rather disappointed in the quality of employees that have recently been hired for this office. If this is the reaction to an easy case, imagine how she would have done with one of the more difficult ones? If they cannot cope with the clients, they should find different jobs.

If you have any further questions, I can be reached at my office. Miss Felsted is in room 234 at St. Mungo's. Case # 14568, a.k.a. Remus J. Lupin as well as Sirius Black can be reached at their home in Kent. I would advise you to make an appointment first.

Charles Mountfitch


End file.
